dream...

Jus checked mail today... first time i see my niece smiling... haha... like so shy to be taken by the cam...

Well i felt like i had a good rest from the easter break... a real good opportunity to take my mind of work. And tmr work starts again. Hearing rumours that my course will be accelerated to finish by june. Doesnt sound good to me cos it would mean a more cramped flying schedule. I jus want to commit it to God's hands.

Had a dream last night. I vaguely remember it. I was laying my hand on a sick man. And commanding the sickness/evil spirit to leave him inthe name of Jesus. Hmm...
I find God can speak to me even now. Even when my heart is troubled He can, but of course i can hear Him better when i am still...

Lord i cast my cares upon you. I throw them to you. Into Your loving and compassionate hands i give my life to you. Help me to never pick it up.

wisdom

hmmm i have not updated my blog for so long... cos of time constraints and internet connection problems... well, i got to write sometime...

Today's service was great. A Messianic Jew was invited to speak. And he taught all about the Passover traditions and practices. And what they meant. A lot of what Pastor Prince talked about came up. Like the blood, the unleavened bread - Matzah, etc. We actually owe the holy communion to the way they take the bread! Thoughout the service, he beseeched us time and again to pray for the Jews. To pray for their salvation.

Today i managed to call back and talk to some family and friends. Sorry mum but you didnt pick. I also managed to hear my niece's voice for the first time. My heart melted! haha... Remembering that Zach's dad has accepted Christ has brought me so much joy as well. If Jesus can soften the heart of muslims, i'm sure He can do it for my family as well. Although i know that the devil will challenge Zach in this recent victory, i pray that He will lift him up and strengthen him against the enemy.

I want to pray for wisdom. Back to a time when the only thing i prayed for was wisdom. Cos i somehow knew that wisdom, God's wisdom, would bring faith, deliverance, patience, etc. I say this with reverence to the need of the Holy Spirit.

Really looking forward to the easter weekend. I hope this working week passes fast and well...

God and me.

No one but God knows better how much i wanted this career. It was even the reason why i worked so hard for my O levels, even the reason why i chose the course i took in poly... but now i jus am not so sure anymore. I have to look back and understand the reasons that led me to want this job. Was it the stature, prestige, money? Or expectations, fleshly desires or God given leading? If i stop now, would it be giving up? Or because i truly feel no joy whatsoever doing this anymore? Do these times have a fruit to harvest in the future?

I feel worse today than i have ever felt. Jus stuck between making a decision to continue or not. I've been taught not to look at the emotions, but i cant seem to. I think i have to make a decision soon. And be definite about it. But i want it to be God's decision. Because i will need His grace for it.

Some instructors here don't even like their jobs. Many want to move on into the commercial flying sector. Half my course has lost it's motivation too. Many times i tell Him that if i were to continue, He has to give me e grace for it. And i thank Him for the blessings He has placed, but i am quite stuck in an emotional crossroad. Tears of joy or pain, He catches every single drop.

Thanks mum and dad for the advice. And i know i have he support and love of many. I think whatever comes next needs to be between God and me.

Friday

Friday, I flew the first sortie I have ever failed since I got here. Well, I was the last one left without that distinguished record of having failed at least one sortie. I don’t know why but I was initially really relaxed about it. Bordering on joyful. So much so my friends were surprised and said that I did not look like someone who had just failed. Maybe it was because my flying for the week was over. And I was looking forward to the weekend, plus Monday was not a flying day. Maybe it was because of other reasons.

The instructor debriefed me and he was obviously severely displeased. He went on to say a few stuff about my mentality and problems. He expressed that he really did not want to fly with me anymore. He even finished the conversation saying it was beyond my capability. Think he was referring to military flying. He did make it clear that it was not flying ability that was the problem though. I left the debrief with the distinct feeling of being forced to make a decision as to whether to quit or not… I wonder if I am going home soon too…

Today we went out to enjoy ourselves. Especially for the two guys who would be leaving us. And they expressed a desire to go to the casino. So we did. We took 20 dollars from each one and went to play a wheel spinning game. Cos one of them had said that he observed the “cherry” appearing everytime the wheel was spun. We got so bored of betting the same amount on the same thing and we were still breaking even. So I suggested we jus had fun, take a portion each and place our bets on whichever each of us wanted. So we did.

When we did place our bets, it seemed we had found the best way and most effective way to win. Something made me go for the second hardest bet though. It had like a 1 in 25 or so chance but gave a return of 1 to 23. So I betted on the money train. The second time I did so, we won! We went from negative to like 75 bucks richer! Haha… I even won a second time betting on a difficult one, earning 11 times what I bet. We decided to get out the moment we lost. And so we did. Well, half our expensive dinner was paid for!

Anyway, mum and dad dun worry I aint addicted to gambling. So I wont be doing it on a regular basis. It was only for my friends leaving. Haha… Monday’s a rest day, so at least I got a bit more time for stuff this week. Wonder if I am gg home soon…

thanks

hmmm... Andrew failed his review sortie today, and he is going back to Singapore. But He is quite relieved actually. Joyful if i may. I guess we both knew he would go some day. Today when i heard the news, i felt so broken. And i broke in tears. Somethin i had not done in a long long time. I wonder how my life here will change.

If anything, he can definitely take stress and pressures better than me. Something i gotta learn too. And somethin i admire about him, is that he is always able to come out with that something extra to cheer a person or encourage him regardless of his own situation. Amazingly God i feel. And i want to learn these things too. I hope i remember him everytime i need the grace to react the right way.

Thanks mum and sis for the encouragement. The devil's been tempting me so badly these past weeks. Plus the fact that i have been flying at such a heavy rate, and the duties... I thank God that some course mates look up to me cos i have flown at uch a fast progress. And i hope i can be an encouragement to the junior course as well. New resposibilities i guess.

And to dad who constantly and never tires to remind me of His Word and promises, thanks. And i know His grace will come through for you in you times of testing too...

Thanks to the cg to send me the cd for my birthday. I really liked it and appreciate it.

My weaknesses

Andrew will be going on the first of two review flights tmr... He has to pass both to stay... We prayed together today. And i prayed for the peace of God to lead us. For us to have confidence in His love amidst all the turmoil. And to believe that through everything, His love is greater. I thanked God He gave me the love for him, and that no matter what happens, we would cross paths again in His mighty progression of work. He also thanked God for me, that i give him encouragement. I really do not know how, but it must be Him doing the work. I dont know how it'll be like if Andrew leaves. Who will go to church with me? Who wll share with me? Is this like in the past, where i lose my fellowship again? But God is in control.

In my weakness, He is made strong. I jus had a revelation recently. Everything i have came from Him. The ability to learn quickly, recognise aircraft attitudes, feel the aircraft, judge speed through peripheral vision - all good piloting traits. All these i have not because i earned them, for who can?! No one can convince me that these can be earned. It brings me closer to the reality that God gives to whom He gives and destines, and shows mercy and grace to whom He pleases. I cant earn my job myself.

I have been the fastest in progress in terms of sorties flown so far. It comes with it's own pressures. It's like walking in the front, blindly reaching out forward for myself and the course. And the flying pace is taxing too. Almost once every day. Just last week, i flew 5 in 3 days.
But i am counting on His grace. Surely His strength will bring me through, and into fruition of His desire and plan.