36 Pieces

What an embarassing experience yesterday... we went to this japanese restaurant to get some food to buy back to base. I looked at the menu, and selected my choice.. a meal, and an extra pack of sushi that my friend told me included 6 pieces. So i ordered 2 eel, 2 crab and 2 salmons. Here comes the interesting part.. my fren had mentioned that he was short on cash and so i thought i would just buy a pack of 6 sushi pieces for him...

There was this japanese girl serving us when the orders were ready. Well, i gotta say that she was quite attractive. But that's besides the point. haha... we had this pagers you see, which rang upon activation when the order was ready. Well, i thought, since i was within sight, surely i didnt need it to ring to go get my food? And when this girl had packed a plastic bag of food, i thought that it was mine... cos she did look at me and her body language indicated (or at least i thought) so. So i went up before waiting for the device at all...

As i was taking the pack, i was thinking to myself "how come so many packages?" but dismissed it as i thought they would pack each individual ingredient in a pack. However, as i was walking out of the shop with my friends, she came running after from behind and apologised, saying that the food wasnt mine... "Oh it isnt?"i said.. haha... well that was embarassing for us both right? there's more...

i went back to the counter to get my food and this time i took a single plastic bag she handed to me. So without checking the contents, i went off with my friends. A minute later when i was in the car, i checked the contents and saw about three boxes of 36 pieces of sushi and realised i must have gotten the wrong pack again! so i went back again!

Another lady there was like "oh there he is" and told me that i had forgotten to take my other bag as well! "The other bag?" i thought to myself. So i asked,"you mean this one (the one with 36 sushis in it) is mine as well?" and the reply was yes. My next question,"how come so many?"
The first girl then replied,"but you ordered that many.." It was then that it dawned upon me that when i ordered 2 eel, 2 crabs and 2 salmons, it translated to 2 boxes of 6 eel sushi, 2 boxes of 6 pcs of crab and 2 boxes of salmons. I had effectively bought 36 sushi pieces!

i smiled back nodding in understanding and said "i see, thanks"... Urrgghh!
Well, i ended up sharing those 36 pieces within four of us. At least i think they'll recognise me next time i go there! haha...

rainbows

well, i wrote a whole lot actually, but somehow i lost the stuff i wrote so i kinda gonna cut this short...
11 of us left in the course, 9 of us going to be accelerated in flyin as these 9 have been shortlisted as possible fighter course candidates... So despite the recent bad weather, due to the winter season, they have pushed us to fly anyway... but it's safe so no worries...

Just a few days ago, during my flights, i have been seeing lots of rainbows... And once while on the way to squadron, i even saw 4 rainbows in the sky! Reminds me of God and His covenant promises, forgiveness...

Been flying formations recently, and apparently the instructors think i am good at it.. Sometimes i feel proud about it, even want to boast. Then i remember that it is by God's grace that i can do what i do...

To mum, i love you. Sorry if i have been rude , just been quite impatient recently. To sis, dont think of the problems. Focus on His grace and love for you. As you receive His love, He will give you the desire, overflow and strength to go to church, read the bible, etc. So simply receive His grace ok. To dad, thanks for your love and the trouble you take.. especially for my name tag, socks, etc...

Your grace, more than enough for Lincoln Joshua

just moved into a new module recently... formation stuff... my first time trying to formate on another a/c was exciting and fun! Initially it was a little challenging, but it seems formation flying is a bit like the life we are supposed to lead. I have to consciously force myself to relax and not tense up in order to formate well. When we get tensed and grip the controls too hard, we lose the "feel"of the aircraft and tend to be unable impute minute forces into the controls. When we input too heavily, we tend to induce our own oscillations...

The Boss spoke to us recently. It seems we might be accelerated. Especially those selected for fighters. Then rush back Spore, finish ground school, then rush off to maybe France again.. Reach there, rush to finish e syllabus earlier again! Why is my course always rushed?! haha.. bad thing is, very pressured lei, the pace of flyin, etc. Also, wont get to relax for a while in Spore.. Good thing is, maybe as early as March can get wings liao...
But i think i gotta learn to say 'Lord, i trust in You. My future is in Your hands, and it is blessed!'

To dad, i understand your concern regardin my name. I really rather not have all this trouble but i am trying to get it settled anyway. So just leave everything to me ok. No, leave everything to God. Perhaps i need to say that our family names have all been changed to Christ's.

Well, long weekend this week with a holiday on monday. But i have to get some maps drawn and stuff like that... but v thankful for the monday! haha...

Everyday, i see myself and my weaknesses. I see my reactions, my selfishness, folishness. But what Jesus wants me to do is not look at them but focus on Him, knowing that i have been forgiven. I am human, and my weakness wil become His strength.
For my selfishness, His grace is sufficient for all my needs. He is my Provider. Worry not, and He will feed me, clothe me.
For my foolishness, greater is He that lives in me, than He who is in the world. And He has become my wisdom. And He will lead me in the paths that i take, making them straight, lifting my feet, lest i stumble over stones.
For the times when i judge, He has forgiven me. And by His cross He has judged me and the world. That now, what i really need to know, is that His love and compassion reaches out to the world. Jus like He reached out to me when i was lost and unworthy, He is reaching out, even to the people i dislike. Love, You live in me. Change me.

Point of Grace

Today in the mess, i talked to a Christian brother... He seemed to be in some kind of fix, saying he cant bring himself to believe God, that everytime it comes to some Christian thing, he just rejects it... saying he rejects God's will so and so on... He worried that he had fought off His will so much he was unacceptable to God anymore... He wasnt sure how far eternal salvation would last... nor to believe God or the devil...

so i told him about grace, about God. About the Christian life being simply one thing... receiving His grace. That receiving involved just opening one's hand. No stretching out, no taking. But simply resting. That some of his misconceptions came as a result of insufficient knowledge of God. About His will, love and grace. That at the point of his salvation, he was as a sheep. And even if he gets lost, Jesus, the gate and shepherd, would rejoice more over finding him than the 99.

I was amazed at the words coming out of my mouth, and with the confidence i spoke with. I found myself speaking life into myself. Everything i had been reading, listening to and even questioning had at that point come out of my mouth as one perfect sense.

If i offered him a 100 bucks for him to receive at any time of his liking in an account in which he had the card and pin. He might reject it the 1st, 2nd, 3rd day, week, month, year. But 20 yrs down the road when 100 bucks lie the difference between freedom and bankruptcy, he would still take and use it. In the same way, God's grace is always there, at any time and place, waiting for us to receive it!

I could even make sense of a sermon of PP's near admission into a mental institution in the past. I refered him to saul, who out of zeal persecuted and murdered the children of God, but when he believed unto Jesus, God saw him a new man - Paul, in Christ. Who God used to move mightily in His kingdom. And surely he could do no worse than Paul had.

He said i was so holy. Yet i remembered Jesus asking why they called him good. Becos only God was good. He was God! And i told him i was not holy, nor good. For if i were to state out my sins daily before him, he would be shocked. But that He has led me to a point of grace. A stage of realisation of what grace is, and just one of many ahead. That what He shown and did with me, He could do the same for him.

Christian life isnt about what we can do or how well we can do things. Not even how moral we are. It has one mission, role and responsibility - to receive from God His grace. Knowing nothing, doing nothing and deserving nothing, we simply believed unto salvation. Suddenly after our salvation, becos of this new nature given to us, we form little laws in our minds about how we mus live our lives. And work ourselves beyond exhaustion to get to a place we could never have reached anyway...

But it is an onward and upward receiving of grace. Stumbling or not, still perfect in His will and plan. Our final destination is still the Promised Land. Becos we believed God, believed Jesus. Everyday i am learning His grace. And how wonderful and beautiful it is! Lord the revelation is amazing. Let it burst forth! I wanna see and reach your point of grace.

Eph 2:4 But God, who is rich in mercy, for His great love with which He loved us (even when we were dead in sins) has made us alive together with Christ (by grace you are saved), and has raised us up together and made us sit together in the heavenlies in Christ Jesus, so that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us through Christ Jesus. For by grace you are saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.

Father, give me Grace

Been reading a book by Joyce Meyer about the Grace of God. Same book i bought for my instructor as a traditional gift we give to those who sent us solo.

It says that Grace is not only unmerited favour, it is also the power of God available to meet our needs. And that it is received by believing rather than through human effort. Blessings cannot be bought by faith, but only received.
It speaks also of frustration. That when we get frustrated it is because we are trying to achieve something by our self efforts. But to receive from God, i need to humble myself, ask and trust God that He knows the situation i am in, and will deliver me. To be still and know that He is God, and that He knows what's best for me in every situation. Worrying is a form of fleshly work, trying to figure out how to save myself than trusting in Him for deliverance.
Just as perfect love casts out fear, so God's grace expels all traces of anxiety.
It seems to me that love and grace are so intertwined, as is fear and anxiety. I pray that i will be able to repent, humble myself, and truly live in the grace of God. My future and identity is in Christ!

Recently, some complications about my surname cropped up. Apparently, my employer doesn't have my records as Chua but only as Cai. Hmm.. Even got a pink slip (discipline thing) because of not changing my name on the flying boards given time.. Well, my name went from the initials Chua L to Cai L. Actually, Cail sounds pretty cool... haha...

One of my friends in the new junior course talked to me today, asking my opinion of Calvanism? Somethin like new doctrines or somethin... Well i shared my part and trust that God really spoke through me to him. I hope he can get sermon cds from NCC soon... I think he needs it some...

To end, i just wanna remind myself now and whenever i read this, that Grace is to be received, not earned. And that whenever i get frustrated, i can just say "Father, give me grace."

Embrace

Feel that i'm in the midst of change... i cant explain it, but i just know it on the inside. And i realise i hold a different thought process from before. It seems like i dont fear flying as much as before. And i do enjoy this state of mind. I pray to God it's not my imagination but a real and permanent change by Him.

Surely the recent spate of conversations and daily devotionals i have read, are not coincidental in subject. They speak of embracing what i have, living in joy and rejoicing in the Lord. And also living a worryless life in Christ. Playing out our responsibilities, but leaving the outcome in the hands of Christ.

Well i am flying tmr.. with an instructor i don particularly like.. hmm.. but i thank God He has given me the victory.

God's way.

Looks like i only have 5 min to write this blog... hmm.. where to start...

Have not been doing well recently in flying. I think it's cos if my long lay off when i went back to Singapore. When i came back to Aus, it seemed like my instrument flying was worse then when it first started. Got quite distressed when my sorties didnt turn out good. Today i tried to fly one particular sortie again.

Something different about today's flight though... Everytime i stepped out onto the apron, and everytime i breathed the words "Thank you Jesus", i somehow didnt feel the peace. But today, i looked to the sky and said, "Lord, i trust in You. Thank you Jesus.", it was like a peace gripped me from within. And when i looked at my aircraft, it was like a turn back through time to my Youth Flying Club days. When i actually felt excited about flying. When i actually enjoyed it. It was a special thing that had been missing since i came here. I pray that today would just be the beginning of many days when i would look at the day ahead get excited about it, if this is truly where God wants me to be.

Another new course came in today, and in a week or two, my course would be the senior course... Months ago i never thought of this... Met Weiming too, from my church. I told him the same things i told other brothers who came to me, that the only thing i knew was that God's way wasnt quitting, and that we needed to trust Him that if this is where He wants us, He would give us the grace to fly. And if He wanted us out of here, He would open the way too...

Well i think i better go rest soon.
Thank you Lord. I believe You are my Lord and Saviour. You are my God, and i am your child. A child of God, that's what i am.
I am the righteousness of God in Christ. And i will always praise your name!

By Smith Wigglesworth...

People get a wrong idea of mourning. In Switzerland, they have set apart to take wreaths to graves. I questioned the people’s ignorance and said, “Why are you spending time around graves? The people you love are not there. All that taking of flowers to the graves is not faith at all. Those who died in Christ are gone to be with Him, ‘which’, Paul said, ‘is for better’ (Phil 1:23).”

My wife once said to me, “Watch me when I’m preaching. I get so near heaven when I’m preaching that some day I’ll be off.” One night she was preaching, and when she had finished, off she went. I was going to Glasgow and had said goodbye to her before she went to the meeting. As I was leaving the house, the doctor and policeman met me at the door and told me that she had fallen dead at the church floor. I knew she had gotten what she wanted. I could not weep, but I was in tongues, praising the Lord. Humanly, she was everything to me; but I could not mourn on natural lines, and I just laughed in the Spirit. The house was soon filled with people. The doctor said, “She was dead, and we can do no more for her.” I went up to her lifeless corpse and commanded death to give her up, and she came back to me for a moment. Then God said to me, “She is Mine; her work is done.” I knew what He meant.

They laid her in the coffin, and I brought my sons and my daughter into the room and said, “is she there?” They said, “No, Father.” I said, “We will cover her up.” If you go mourning the loss of loved ones who have gone to be with Christ – I say this to you out of love – you have never had the revelation of what Paul spoke when he showed us that it is better to go than to stay. (See 2 Cor 5:8) We read this in Scripture, but the trouble is that people will not believe it. When you believe God, you will say, “Whatever it is, it is all right. If You want to take the one I love, it is all right, Lord.”

But the mourning that Jesus spoke of in Matthew 5 is a mourning in the Spirit. God will bring you to a place where things must be changed, and there is a mourning, an unutterable groaning until God comes. Jesus mourned over Jerusalem. He saw the conditions; He saw the unbelief; He saw the end of those who closed their ears to the Gospel. But God gave a promise that He would see “the labor of His soul, and be satisfied” (Isa 53:11) and that He would “see His seed” (v10).

What happened on the day of Pentecost in Jerusalem was a promise of what would be the results of His Travail, to be multiplied a billionfold all down the ages in all the world. And as we enter in the Spirit into travail over conditions that are wrong, such mourning will always bring results for God, and our joy will be complete in the satisfaction that is thereby brought to Christ.

But For a Moment

Seems a long time since i last posted.. Come to think of it, i really dont know where to begin.

i hope everything's fine back home. To my dad, i pray for you, grandpa and grandma. If grandma is gg back to the Lord, there is consolation in that she is going to a better place. And we'll meet her there sometime. Help me tell grandpa i pray for him too ok. And not to be too sad.

To mum, i love you heaps. May not be good at it. But it comes from my heart. How's ah ma? Does she still ask about me? And sis too? Rest yourself well ok.

Have not been to church for like a month now... i really miss that congregational worship atmosphere. That special presence of the Lord i have gotten so used to in times past. Still He speaks, mainly through His Word, but He speaks.

Sometimes, He reminds me of the promised land, sometimes of His real interventions, and sometimes of the place that He wants to bring me too. Many times, He reminds me of His grace, His love, His forgiveness. For those beloved church friends of mine, dont ever let yourself get used to the sermons preached ok. They may even sound the same, but if you listen everyday to the same preaching, it can be new every morning...

John spoke a word to me recently. "hey lincoln, i got a word for you.. 2nd Cor 4:17.. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory." And b4 i knew it, i read the same verse in Kenneth Copeland's daily devotional website.

Sometimes I have this picture. That everytime I sin, God ‘wonders’ just where His beloved son is. Though He is always watching over me. Because for that moment, He simply refuses to see my sin. And it hurts Him, like a father when he realizes his son is lost from his sight.

Yet, I know, that whenever I sin, it’s because of this earthly and worldly nature. I seek the day when He brings me into such a deep revelation and saturation of His Spirit, that my very nature and desire become holy and Christ like.

And until that day comes, I must take every tribulation and every experience like a movement of His hand. The Potter’s hand that once shaped my birth, is again shaping me in my new birth.

He loves me. So deeply and truly, a love for a creation that is nothing of the word worthy. Yet He showers me with unfailing love, eternal grace and wondrous life. So awesome Is Your love!

Lord Jesus, thank you.

Emergency!

Today i had a good and eventful time flying. I went on my first solo that involved flying out into the training area instead of simply at the airfield area that we usually do. It really is quite challenging for a first timer, with questions like "what if i get lost?" and "what if i get an emergency in the area?". Furthermore, this sortie involves aerobatics in which we have so little experience in. But i remembered my QFI once saying this, that if he cleared a student for somethin, he doesn't like the student to feel afraid of doin it as the QFI has shown his confidence in the student.

Well the day really started badly. I was like totally reprimanded for the flight that i had failed on Tuesday. He mentioned Jewish kids of 13 yrs of age being declared grown ups and making decisions for themselves. And i definitely have to learn how to "be a man". Especially in this career, in which i have to protect my country with multimillion dollar equipment.

His approach to the check flight today was surprisingly kind. He usually just rails at me you see. Today he was really patiently teaching me. And before i knew it, he was sending me solo.

Walking out to the aircraft, strapping in, and starting the jet, i was fighting to keep myself calm. My nerves settled soon though, and i was in the air before i knew it. In the areas, i practised a series of exercises. Some i have actually felt afraid doing with a QFI, much less on my own! Haha... Developments began to be awry however as a caution tone sounded as i was pulling through a Loop like manueovre.

Continuing the sortie with the aproval of the QFI, i then experienced caution lights and tones as i put the aircraft through a 4 point roll. Uh oh. Making an urgency call, i recovered back to base quickly and uneventfully. Upon touch down however, there were like two fire trucks waiting for me! And they chased me all the way to the end of the runway! One even stopped directly in front of me in case i had to shut down. But i taxied back uneventfully.

I must say that two sorties in a day full of aerobatics is really tiring! Never felt so tired before man. But hey, at least i aint feeling sick from aeros anymore!

laugh at me!

pitch.. pitch.. pitch.. roll.. let the nose come down, pick a reference point on the ground, check it there! roll, check! watch the speed, wings level ball centre... 245 knots, pull now! Pull 4Gs in 2 secs...

Sorry if i describe it a little like a Tom Clancy war novel... i have jus finished reading one.. haha... Those were the words of an instructor taking me through my first aerobatics sequence... It's a new phase i jus got into... It's exciting, but towards the end of both aero flights i have had, i have not felt too good physically, requiring the instructor to fly us back. I hope i'll get use to it soon enough...

It's amazing how God speaks to me. To remind me of His love, His presence, and that no matter what happens, with Him things will always turn out fine... And He speaks, telling me to focus on His love for me. Not my sins, not my inadequacy, and not my circumstances. My heart races everytime i hear Him on the inside.

Well here's another interesting experience i have had. I dont know how else to describe it but interesting. haha... i had gone to church last sunday, when a man approached me. I was waiting for my friends. Well he got down to talking to me and told me about how God came into His life when his life was in shambles, how he had come to an end of himself and now totally depended on God's love for him. It was pleasing to hear a testimony. He also said he had cancer of the throat. And i just felt moved enough to open my Bible to show him this verse... Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; Yet we esteem Him stricken, smitten by God and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed.
He immediately teared after that. Soon though, he started to talk non-stop, and i couldnt listen fully to the service at all. Intermittenly, he was disturbing me actually, seeming more interested to talk then to listen to he service. He was after all, going to attend the next service. On hindsight, it did not settle well within me, and i was still trying to be patient and polite!

Well, jus yesterday night, he sent me a sms asking how i was, how was my night and if i had a partner. My lightning fast mind refused to contemplate that possibility. His next sms though confirmed he was actually gay! Yikes! Calming myself down, i reminded myself that God still loves him. So i replied that i wasnt interested, and that God had made us man and woman specifically. And that i hoped that by His grace he would change.

Well he started challenging me to quote any part of the Bible that said being gay was wrong. i jumped straight to Genesis about Lot. And realising that my inadequate knowledge drew up a blank on any other scripture, i sent out a distress sms to my dad, Jayden and Josiah (Kelvin). God had actually laid it down as law that itwas wrong in Leviticus! Had to be careful about introducing law to him but i specifically told him that it's proof that it was not God's desire, and that was why Jesus died for us.

He started being defensive and claimed that i was implying he could not believe in God if he was gay. that i said that God didnt love him. He also said that he was made that way, and didnt fault me for liking girls! I quickly replied that i had not said so, but that God did love him, and he could believe in Him. On my dad's instructions i ended the sms with have a pleasant night with the intention to cutting short this sms conversation. He had to have the last say, and said that he would pray for me, and punctuated with the known fact that he knew God loved him though he was gay.

Haiz. I hope he lets the truth into his heart one day. But it's God's job anyway. Well Lord, you know, it really wouldnt hurt to be attractive and have many girls ask me for my number and how my night was... Haha... Go ahead, laugh at me!

dream...

Jus checked mail today... first time i see my niece smiling... haha... like so shy to be taken by the cam...

Well i felt like i had a good rest from the easter break... a real good opportunity to take my mind of work. And tmr work starts again. Hearing rumours that my course will be accelerated to finish by june. Doesnt sound good to me cos it would mean a more cramped flying schedule. I jus want to commit it to God's hands.

Had a dream last night. I vaguely remember it. I was laying my hand on a sick man. And commanding the sickness/evil spirit to leave him inthe name of Jesus. Hmm...
I find God can speak to me even now. Even when my heart is troubled He can, but of course i can hear Him better when i am still...

Lord i cast my cares upon you. I throw them to you. Into Your loving and compassionate hands i give my life to you. Help me to never pick it up.

wisdom

hmmm i have not updated my blog for so long... cos of time constraints and internet connection problems... well, i got to write sometime...

Today's service was great. A Messianic Jew was invited to speak. And he taught all about the Passover traditions and practices. And what they meant. A lot of what Pastor Prince talked about came up. Like the blood, the unleavened bread - Matzah, etc. We actually owe the holy communion to the way they take the bread! Thoughout the service, he beseeched us time and again to pray for the Jews. To pray for their salvation.

Today i managed to call back and talk to some family and friends. Sorry mum but you didnt pick. I also managed to hear my niece's voice for the first time. My heart melted! haha... Remembering that Zach's dad has accepted Christ has brought me so much joy as well. If Jesus can soften the heart of muslims, i'm sure He can do it for my family as well. Although i know that the devil will challenge Zach in this recent victory, i pray that He will lift him up and strengthen him against the enemy.

I want to pray for wisdom. Back to a time when the only thing i prayed for was wisdom. Cos i somehow knew that wisdom, God's wisdom, would bring faith, deliverance, patience, etc. I say this with reverence to the need of the Holy Spirit.

Really looking forward to the easter weekend. I hope this working week passes fast and well...

God and me.

No one but God knows better how much i wanted this career. It was even the reason why i worked so hard for my O levels, even the reason why i chose the course i took in poly... but now i jus am not so sure anymore. I have to look back and understand the reasons that led me to want this job. Was it the stature, prestige, money? Or expectations, fleshly desires or God given leading? If i stop now, would it be giving up? Or because i truly feel no joy whatsoever doing this anymore? Do these times have a fruit to harvest in the future?

I feel worse today than i have ever felt. Jus stuck between making a decision to continue or not. I've been taught not to look at the emotions, but i cant seem to. I think i have to make a decision soon. And be definite about it. But i want it to be God's decision. Because i will need His grace for it.

Some instructors here don't even like their jobs. Many want to move on into the commercial flying sector. Half my course has lost it's motivation too. Many times i tell Him that if i were to continue, He has to give me e grace for it. And i thank Him for the blessings He has placed, but i am quite stuck in an emotional crossroad. Tears of joy or pain, He catches every single drop.

Thanks mum and dad for the advice. And i know i have he support and love of many. I think whatever comes next needs to be between God and me.

Friday

Friday, I flew the first sortie I have ever failed since I got here. Well, I was the last one left without that distinguished record of having failed at least one sortie. I don’t know why but I was initially really relaxed about it. Bordering on joyful. So much so my friends were surprised and said that I did not look like someone who had just failed. Maybe it was because my flying for the week was over. And I was looking forward to the weekend, plus Monday was not a flying day. Maybe it was because of other reasons.

The instructor debriefed me and he was obviously severely displeased. He went on to say a few stuff about my mentality and problems. He expressed that he really did not want to fly with me anymore. He even finished the conversation saying it was beyond my capability. Think he was referring to military flying. He did make it clear that it was not flying ability that was the problem though. I left the debrief with the distinct feeling of being forced to make a decision as to whether to quit or not… I wonder if I am going home soon too…

Today we went out to enjoy ourselves. Especially for the two guys who would be leaving us. And they expressed a desire to go to the casino. So we did. We took 20 dollars from each one and went to play a wheel spinning game. Cos one of them had said that he observed the “cherry” appearing everytime the wheel was spun. We got so bored of betting the same amount on the same thing and we were still breaking even. So I suggested we jus had fun, take a portion each and place our bets on whichever each of us wanted. So we did.

When we did place our bets, it seemed we had found the best way and most effective way to win. Something made me go for the second hardest bet though. It had like a 1 in 25 or so chance but gave a return of 1 to 23. So I betted on the money train. The second time I did so, we won! We went from negative to like 75 bucks richer! Haha… I even won a second time betting on a difficult one, earning 11 times what I bet. We decided to get out the moment we lost. And so we did. Well, half our expensive dinner was paid for!

Anyway, mum and dad dun worry I aint addicted to gambling. So I wont be doing it on a regular basis. It was only for my friends leaving. Haha… Monday’s a rest day, so at least I got a bit more time for stuff this week. Wonder if I am gg home soon…

thanks

hmmm... Andrew failed his review sortie today, and he is going back to Singapore. But He is quite relieved actually. Joyful if i may. I guess we both knew he would go some day. Today when i heard the news, i felt so broken. And i broke in tears. Somethin i had not done in a long long time. I wonder how my life here will change.

If anything, he can definitely take stress and pressures better than me. Something i gotta learn too. And somethin i admire about him, is that he is always able to come out with that something extra to cheer a person or encourage him regardless of his own situation. Amazingly God i feel. And i want to learn these things too. I hope i remember him everytime i need the grace to react the right way.

Thanks mum and sis for the encouragement. The devil's been tempting me so badly these past weeks. Plus the fact that i have been flying at such a heavy rate, and the duties... I thank God that some course mates look up to me cos i have flown at uch a fast progress. And i hope i can be an encouragement to the junior course as well. New resposibilities i guess.

And to dad who constantly and never tires to remind me of His Word and promises, thanks. And i know His grace will come through for you in you times of testing too...

Thanks to the cg to send me the cd for my birthday. I really liked it and appreciate it.

My weaknesses

Andrew will be going on the first of two review flights tmr... He has to pass both to stay... We prayed together today. And i prayed for the peace of God to lead us. For us to have confidence in His love amidst all the turmoil. And to believe that through everything, His love is greater. I thanked God He gave me the love for him, and that no matter what happens, we would cross paths again in His mighty progression of work. He also thanked God for me, that i give him encouragement. I really do not know how, but it must be Him doing the work. I dont know how it'll be like if Andrew leaves. Who will go to church with me? Who wll share with me? Is this like in the past, where i lose my fellowship again? But God is in control.

In my weakness, He is made strong. I jus had a revelation recently. Everything i have came from Him. The ability to learn quickly, recognise aircraft attitudes, feel the aircraft, judge speed through peripheral vision - all good piloting traits. All these i have not because i earned them, for who can?! No one can convince me that these can be earned. It brings me closer to the reality that God gives to whom He gives and destines, and shows mercy and grace to whom He pleases. I cant earn my job myself.

I have been the fastest in progress in terms of sorties flown so far. It comes with it's own pressures. It's like walking in the front, blindly reaching out forward for myself and the course. And the flying pace is taxing too. Almost once every day. Just last week, i flew 5 in 3 days.
But i am counting on His grace. Surely His strength will bring me through, and into fruition of His desire and plan.

Hold me Lord.

Andrew didnt do so well for his flight today. And the instructor had a talk with him. When he had returned, i had thought all was well. So i was really taken aback when he started out in tears. And no one seemed to notice, till i asked him if he needed to talk. In the end, my course ic had a talk with him. My course seems to be crumbling apart. So many on the verge of failing.

Later when i asked him, he said he was just overwhelmed. Part of him wanted to go back home. Part of him didnt. Said it was fun on e weekends here. But i think there's things not being said. hmm...

If he left, i really think i would consider opting out. Again my fellowship seems to be leaving me. I simply do not know how much i want this any longer. Is it possible to ever live in this job in peace and joy? I believe in complete faith in God yes. But i know i would only contradict myself cos i know it is a decision to believe.

Well just got to let the days ahead form and see what happens i guess. God it is surely in Your hands. Hold me Lord.

Grace

His grace is sufficient for all my needs. More and more i can sense God trying to show me that. He's giving me a deeper revelation and knowledge of what grace is, and how it will change me. Sometimes it's quite amazing the number of times i must be disappointing Him. Then He shows me how amazing His grace is amidst my disappointment.

I want to enjoy the fruits of my labour. And I see that I can only do that by labouring unto His rest. In Him and to Him are all things. He is the beginning and the end. He is the Creator. He is my maker. My refiner, comforter, builder. The foundation in my spirit. And He is going to mold me. Give me strength and courage. Bring out the gold, silver and precious stones through me.

I was n His thoughts when He created the world. When He died. And even now. His love supersedes and transcends everything that is made.

Lord You are at the end of my road. The Hope that burns within me, through Your Holy Spirit. My very present help in need. I want living faith Lord. I want to be a raging, spreading fire, not a flame. But I commit it into Your hands Lord. Wholly use me. Bring out in me what Jesus is all about.

royalty

I am a winner. In Christ. Behold, He has overcome the world.

Greater is He who lives in me than he who is in the world.

I am a prince of God. Of royal bloodline and lineage.

His peace is already in me. And i will praise the Lord forever and ever. Amen.